I Love Tennessee

When can you get to officially say you are from somewhere? I mean I have only lived in Tennessee for 6 years. Can I now say I am a Tennessean, because I sure want to. Who wouldn't want to be from Tennessee, the volunteer state?
We see catastrophe on the news all the time and people volunteering and helping others. We saw it when we lived in Florida after hurricane Andrew, then in New Orleans after Katrina, the help sent to Haiti, you know we could go on and on. But I have to say I have never in my life witnessed people jumping into action as I have after our floods here in Nashville, it has just been remarkable, a beautiful thing to watch people touching the lives of others. My daughters Alexandra 24 and Cailey 16, have really become the princesses of volunteering even before the flood, they were helping paint homes at Weary Housing, started a branch of Love Bags for the homeless, volunteered at the Music City Marathon in the medical tent wrapping wounds (now that is really something Cailey hates the site of blood) and caring for the dehydrated, just days after the flood they were in a warehouse helping organize donations. So the question is, is this something that they were born with, or something they found here in Tennessee, the Volunteer State??? Whatever it is, and wherever it came from, I have never been prouder of my daughters, and hope that we are truly entitled to say I am a Tennessean!!! I love Tennessee!!!

Happy to be Happy!!

Why is it people find it so surprising when you are happy? Today I had a call from a Psychiatrist (no not mine), he was returning a call I had made to him and I made a general "Good morning how are you?" and he asked how I was. When I responded with "wonderful", he said "really, this is your job tracking down Dr's and your wonderful?". It took a little convincing and after business talk and some joking I think he finally believed me........maybe he was trying to drum up business by trying to make me feel like my job was terrible. I really think that I should be the therapist, because he was much happier once we finished our conversation. And he did apologize for being so negative. People seem to find it hard to believe that you can be happy these days.
I do understand, since I spend allot of time in NEGATIVEVILLE. Thank God I don't live there I just work there. It is hard some days to stay positive when you feel the breath of the negativity around you breathing down you neck. Today as I was walking down the hall towards my cubicle (OH side note I pray every morning before I walk into the building for the Lord to help me be positive and not to let the negavites get to me)I was thinking was there a way to put up a bubble, if I don't look at them, maybe they won't talk to me....well I already know that doesn't work, have tried it. People have told me I am just to nice. How can you be to nice? Someone has to be nice to them.........maybe that's why they are so negative, no one is ever nice to them......so I tredge on though the mire of it and continue to be kind. In my mind though sometimes I want to scream at them STOP!!! YOU DON'T HAVE TO LIVE LIKE THIS!!!
Trust me I have my bad days just like everyone else.....but Lord please never let me be a negavite!!!! I will work there, but I never ever will live there.
I AM HAPPY!!!!!

Blog GONE WILD!!!

My intention today was to Blog about the great date Alex and I had last night.....but my day has gone totally crazy....

My oldest daughter Alex sent a message on face book yesterday that was answered......It was one of those moments that could have been on the show FIND MY FAMILY. For anyone that doesn't know, I had a two year love affair with a much older than me, married man named Al 26 years ago, and from that relationship was born a gorgeous daughter, Alexandra. When I became pregnant and decided to keep the baby our relationship slowly ended. Though my love for him never did......Al knew me, knew my heart, knew my hopes and dreams, we would sit and talk for hours sometimes, many long walks on the beach, and probably the most me I have been able to be in my life, he accepted me just the way I was, my crazy ideas and he loved me for me. I don't know that anyone has ever really reached in and has known me that well since...........so after I had Alex, her father came to see her once as an infant and then that was it, we did not keep in touch and went on to live our separate lives, he had his family to protect and I understood that. I didn't want to interfere in his family life ( I know I wasn't thinking that when I was taking time from his family for two years, selfish I KNOW you don't have to say it), and the birth of my daughter completely changed my life. Well it changed the day I found out I was pregnant....I was useing cocaine on a regular basis back then and had been out seriously partying the night before. But that moment in the Dr's office changed everything, and have not touched any illegal drug since that day. I have always felt that saved my life, truly SAVED my life....being a mom saved my life.....God truly saved me from my own destructive behavior.

So needless to say, Alex has grown up to be such a fantastic daughter, friend, sister.....she is truly a special person and I believe allot of that comes from her father, he was a man that made friends wherever he went, someone who would pull the car over to help a stranger. He had a HUGE HEART, just like his daughter.
A couple years ago Alex decided she wanted to meet her Dad and I said well then you should look him up......she did and subsequently found out he had passed away, she was crushed. She had only one picture of him and I together at the wedding of my best friend, and the blue bathrobe that he kept at my apartment all those years ago, I had given to her. She was so sad and sorry that she had not tried to find him earlier and had missed out on the chance to know him.

A couple days ago Alex sent a message to one of Al's other daughters on face book not knowing if she even knew he had any other children. And WOW she got a answer and spent almost 2 hours on the phone tonight with two of her half sisters............ so for me it has just stirred up so much emotion, I am so happy for Alex that she had a welcoming response from her sisters, you never know how those things will go. I hope it helps her in some self discovery, know the other side of where she comes from, they shared lots of pictures of her dad with her. I ran over to her apartment and got on the phone too, so strange to talk to his daughters, but so nice to feel I can let go of the secret, even though as anyone who knows me I am an open book and have never really kept it a secret, I have still always felt it was a secret especially to his children. I didn't want them to think less of their father.
Mostly I want them to know that our relationship was not just a fling... it truly was a love affair, we saw each other every day during that time, I loved their father very much, and Alexandra was born out of love....... Note: he was not married to their mother when we were together, the three girls mother and Al had been long since divorced and he had remarried.

I remember how scared I was to tell my parents I was pregnant, I invited them out to dinner, I figured they would not cause to big a scene in a restaurant. I tell them and oh no real big deal...........and then a few years later come to find out that my dad had a daughter with another woman while he was married to my mother........that is another story for another day, but that is why my dad couldn't be mad at me I figured that out later. And my mother, she supports me in everything, never judges, only loves me. I'll never be my mother....

Oh, Okay then after Alex and I get off the phone we turn around and Brevin my 3 1/2 year old is puking in the middle of Alex's living room, he had been jumping and rolling on one of those big exercise balls, who knows why but he's puking......I clean up her carpet and him and carry him home to our apartment which is in the same complex as Alex, where I give him a bath get him into bed and and and he PUKES again, and again and again and now he is on my bedroom floor wrapped in a quilt asleep, it has been a crazy day.....never a dull moment, how much more can you show a child you love them than cleaning up their puke. SOOOOO this is why my BLOG went wild, I never got to blog about what I had originally intended to......Life as a mother, thank you MOM for cleaning my puke and for loving me just the way I am.

adoption story........

I was married and had four children after 12 unhappy married years we divorced. I had always wanted to have a large family and was most sad that would now never happen. I know lots of people think that four children in allot but I didn't. So I raised my children and then first one left home and the others were getting old enough that they really didn't need mom that much. Oh they do always need you, but not like when they are little. I knew in my heart that there were going to be more children in my life but I wasn't sure how. I decided to look into being a foster parent, I could be making a difference in the lives of kids that really needed it, and also fill the my own need to be a caretaker. I took the 10 week foster parenting classes and had the home study and became a foster parent.....the whole time I am doing this I told the kids we need to all be praying that God will send us a child that fits our family and that our family would be what that child needed. So we prayed and waited.
I didn't tell everyone that I was even thinking of being a foster parent, because I knew the judgement would come, and trust me it did come. But I have never been one that really cared to much what other people think....I knew that this is what God was calling me to do, what I was born to do, be a mom.
So I am at my office working away and the phone rings, "hello", its the foster parenting placement office. We have a child we want to know if your interested in? I have had several of these calls before but so far I have to say no to every child, I was only willing to take a child younger than 7, because of having three of my own children still at home to take into consideration. So they go on to tell you about the child and the situation in which they came into custody. As she is talking my heart is racing..........it's a 10 month old little boy, malnutrition, dependant neglect taken in by child protective services, he has never even been to a Dr, would we be willing to take him. "YES" this is at like 4 in the afternoon, and they say okay we will be at your home in an hour. Hang up the phone and pick up the phone and call home, my then 13 year old is at home. I tell her the caseworkers are on there way to the house, they may beat me there, get what you can ready, the port-a-crib out of the attic...............OH MY WE ARE GETTING A BABY!!!!!!! Also you should know that this is the daughter that the Christmas before said all I really want is a little brother!!!
So it's not a little brother, but a surrogate brother, we know that we are just going to care for this child for a short time, and pray that he will either go back to his parents or to a family that will love and care for him. In the mean time we get the joy sharing our love with him.
So we did what we set out to do we took care of this little boy and relished in every moment of it. After a year and a half the courts severed the parents rights, which made him eligible for adoption............by this point he was part of our family. If there are no relatives that are eligible to adopt the foster parents have the first right of adoption. Knowing this was going to be an option again we prayed ......... there we relatives that wanted him but that ended up not happening. It was now up to us, and there was not one second of doubt, we were going to adopt this little boy.
I don't make allot of money and was concerned about how we would manage it, but I also know how God works. We have never not had our needs met. It has been a financial strain, I lost a job during all this and then had to work two jobs to make the money I was making, our house was foreclosed on ( but it is was just a house). We have our family, now at home (Which is now an apartment) I just have my 15 year old daughter and my adopted son who is almost 4. People do judge, there have been people who have thought that he is my daughters child, it has taught her not to worry what people think.
As I have raised my children, I have always told them that it was my responsibility to raise them to be responsible God fearing adults, trust me there have been many rocky roads, but I have raised three adult children that I could not be more proud of. There are lots of two parent homes with out of control children who live at home mooching off their parents, my older three children all live out on their own, support themselves and are remarkable young people. And that is how I knew I could adopt as a single parent. God has blessed me beyond belief with a beautiful family. And as a mother let me tell you, it truly does not matter if you give birth to a child or God gives you the child by adoption, you love them just the same, sometimes I think maybe even more, my heart just swells when we have family activities, go camping or hiking, I just look at him and think he would have never had this moment.........over the holidays we went to Fl and my father took us all out on the boat and my son caught his first fish, I have never seen a child so excited in my life and in that moment I just tear up thinking the life he would have had, that he would have maybe never had these experiences, never had Grandparents that love and adore him, brothers and sisters that now don't remember what it was like to not have a little brother. And a single mother who is devoted to loving and raising him to be a God fearing man.
I know there will always be those people who will judge me, but my judgement will come when I stand before God.

Brevin at Percy Priest Lake

This is Brevin at Percy Priest Lake, he and I went last weekend just the two of us, it was a great afternoon. He is all boy, give him some water, rocks and a stick and he is happy as can be. So it was a great time. After we had our picnic lunch and hiked around the lake, climbed on rocks for a few hours, then watched some people flying kites. We got in the car and drove over to the Dam, I thought he would like to see it. So I have driven past this Dam many many times, but I have never parked and walked over to see it. So it seems that this is a very popular thing to do as the parking lot was packed, so we walked down the stairs where there is a cement walkway where you can stand and there were people taking pictures, fishing, kids running up and down the stairs, just lots of activity. So Brevin and I are walking around he is picking up rocks and throwing them into the water one of his favorite things no matter where we are, and I really do think he has an amazing arm and great accuracy for a three year old. So after wandering near the water we head back towards the parking area, to a higher elevation but still we can see the dam and we are just standing there looking and all the sudden Brevin heaves a rock he still had in his hand, the same rock he had tried to feed to someones dog moments ago, they didn't seem to mind though, but now we are not near the water and there are people standing between us and the water. As soon as the rock left his hand I had that panicked feeling THIS CAN'T end well, in slow motion I can see the rock flying through the air directly dead center towards the back of a woman's head, her beautiful family all around her, so by some miracle her husband turns slightly and sees the rock coming and just raises his hand and catches the rock the moment before it makes contact with her head. So all I can do is say I am so so sorry.........they were very nice about it, but still I felt terrible..................so I apologized profusely and we left........
You can never know what to expect when have children!!!!

Fear of English

I must confess the one class in school that my parents did send me to a tutor for was English (I don't think I learned a thing, I think it was one of those things where they taught me how to pass the test). I have never really had a very good grasp of the English language. I know I speak it every day, but putting it down in type is a totally different thing. I have been told I should write a book a dozen different times in my life, and honestly I would really like to but I am afraid of the judgement.
I come from this amazing family where everyone has attended college except ME!!!
Just one more reason "I will never be my mother", she is so smart she went to college and became a nurse. So my point is..............if you want to read my blog, read but please don't judge..........I know that the grammar may be poor, but hey this is me, and at this point in my life, IT AIN'T goin' to change or I Choose not to change.....

Family traditions...

Those family traditions that you create. Sometimes don't turn out exactly the way you plan or would hope....no matter what I am grateful for any day that I can spend time with my children.
Running out of time to get to the pumpkin patch as Halloween is just around the corner, and if we don't go this weekend we won't get to go at all, because our schedules don't permit us to fit any outing in during the week, Cailey has football practice every day after school (she is a football manager). So after church today we get in the car and head to the pumpkin patch............OH MY GOSH, has every parent in Smyrna waited 'til today to go to the pumpkin patch....my memories of previous visits were so happy as we stroll through and take our time, enjoying seeing the baby animals, feeding the goats, the girls taking pictures in the sunflower patch, Brevin searching for his little pumpkin, going through the hay maze, corn maze, lots of great photo ops.......today just was not that day.........
Cailey did not want to be at the pumpkin patch, Alex came I think because she knows how much those little family traditions mean to me, even though this would only be the 4th year we have been, still a tradition. And Brevin was a wild man, he gets really excited in crowds, and today there was a crowd....hundreds of people trying to create those beautiful memories of their children at the pumpkin patch. I think for me the best moment was when Brevin spotted a basketball hoop and attempted to heave the pumpkin over his head towards the hoop....who could blam him, the thing is round and orange and isn't that what we throw into the hoop.....he's a genius I have known it and still know it.....
So we did not spend the time we normally would, it was chaotic and loud, and so we decided I could bring Brevin during the week when it was more peaceful...maybe I will have to adjust my traditions...Cailey is a teenager as this is not her idea of fun anymore....So it may just be Brevin and I going to the Pumpkin Patch next year...a new family tradition, but still a tradition, and how I love them.....where might I have gotten that from??? I'll never be my mother!!!