Blog GONE WILD!!!

My intention today was to Blog about the great date Alex and I had last night.....but my day has gone totally crazy....

My oldest daughter Alex sent a message on face book yesterday that was answered......It was one of those moments that could have been on the show FIND MY FAMILY. For anyone that doesn't know, I had a two year love affair with a much older than me, married man named Al 26 years ago, and from that relationship was born a gorgeous daughter, Alexandra. When I became pregnant and decided to keep the baby our relationship slowly ended. Though my love for him never did......Al knew me, knew my heart, knew my hopes and dreams, we would sit and talk for hours sometimes, many long walks on the beach, and probably the most me I have been able to be in my life, he accepted me just the way I was, my crazy ideas and he loved me for me. I don't know that anyone has ever really reached in and has known me that well since...........so after I had Alex, her father came to see her once as an infant and then that was it, we did not keep in touch and went on to live our separate lives, he had his family to protect and I understood that. I didn't want to interfere in his family life ( I know I wasn't thinking that when I was taking time from his family for two years, selfish I KNOW you don't have to say it), and the birth of my daughter completely changed my life. Well it changed the day I found out I was pregnant....I was useing cocaine on a regular basis back then and had been out seriously partying the night before. But that moment in the Dr's office changed everything, and have not touched any illegal drug since that day. I have always felt that saved my life, truly SAVED my life....being a mom saved my life.....God truly saved me from my own destructive behavior.

So needless to say, Alex has grown up to be such a fantastic daughter, friend, sister.....she is truly a special person and I believe allot of that comes from her father, he was a man that made friends wherever he went, someone who would pull the car over to help a stranger. He had a HUGE HEART, just like his daughter.
A couple years ago Alex decided she wanted to meet her Dad and I said well then you should look him up......she did and subsequently found out he had passed away, she was crushed. She had only one picture of him and I together at the wedding of my best friend, and the blue bathrobe that he kept at my apartment all those years ago, I had given to her. She was so sad and sorry that she had not tried to find him earlier and had missed out on the chance to know him.

A couple days ago Alex sent a message to one of Al's other daughters on face book not knowing if she even knew he had any other children. And WOW she got a answer and spent almost 2 hours on the phone tonight with two of her half sisters............ so for me it has just stirred up so much emotion, I am so happy for Alex that she had a welcoming response from her sisters, you never know how those things will go. I hope it helps her in some self discovery, know the other side of where she comes from, they shared lots of pictures of her dad with her. I ran over to her apartment and got on the phone too, so strange to talk to his daughters, but so nice to feel I can let go of the secret, even though as anyone who knows me I am an open book and have never really kept it a secret, I have still always felt it was a secret especially to his children. I didn't want them to think less of their father.
Mostly I want them to know that our relationship was not just a fling... it truly was a love affair, we saw each other every day during that time, I loved their father very much, and Alexandra was born out of love....... Note: he was not married to their mother when we were together, the three girls mother and Al had been long since divorced and he had remarried.

I remember how scared I was to tell my parents I was pregnant, I invited them out to dinner, I figured they would not cause to big a scene in a restaurant. I tell them and oh no real big deal...........and then a few years later come to find out that my dad had a daughter with another woman while he was married to my mother........that is another story for another day, but that is why my dad couldn't be mad at me I figured that out later. And my mother, she supports me in everything, never judges, only loves me. I'll never be my mother....

Oh, Okay then after Alex and I get off the phone we turn around and Brevin my 3 1/2 year old is puking in the middle of Alex's living room, he had been jumping and rolling on one of those big exercise balls, who knows why but he's puking......I clean up her carpet and him and carry him home to our apartment which is in the same complex as Alex, where I give him a bath get him into bed and and and he PUKES again, and again and again and now he is on my bedroom floor wrapped in a quilt asleep, it has been a crazy day.....never a dull moment, how much more can you show a child you love them than cleaning up their puke. SOOOOO this is why my BLOG went wild, I never got to blog about what I had originally intended to......Life as a mother, thank you MOM for cleaning my puke and for loving me just the way I am.